|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on September 25, 2013 at 9:15 AM||comments (0)|
Im in the middle of watching an open group discussion led by psychologist Carl Rogers where at about 10 minutes into the video a lady starts talking about how she doesnt want to be considered the tiny porcelain doll (because she is tiny and cute like) and she wants everyone to love her, etc. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgdjeNZtqPQ I gained a theory while watching her. I see this many times, especially while I was in college. Many girls will say I just want to love everyone etc., etc.
There is a fallacy here. There is a difference between where the person is and what the person wants to be. That person has a great want structure but in order to get to the point where she can start loving more people she has to accept that she does not love everyone at that moment. She has to accept that on a daily basis she does things that are not loving to people. Once she understands who she is at the moment then she can more efficiently push to her goal of being able to love more people.
|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on August 6, 2013 at 10:20 AM||comments (0)|
For guys, ideas run wild. For Females, emotions run wild. Guys want to know that their ideas are valued and females want to know that their emotions are valued. Done.
Thank You for reading.
|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on August 16, 2012 at 9:05 AM||comments (0)|
The most important thing that someone can do in a relationship is to learn the give/want structure of the other person. It is so simple. What is a give for the other person and what is a want? For example (story time), Dana and I figured out that if we just hold hands while we are discussing something we will automatically go back to balance. It won’t be like happy joyful amazingness after 30 seconds, but we will be moving towards balance rather than away from balance. I just realized two things about Dana’s give/want structure during a discussion. First of all, she wants to know every single last bit of information that she can possibly have, and there is a period of about 30 seconds to a minute where she wants nothing to do with solving the problem. During this time her want is to be upset. This confused me the past month because every time we hold hands we automatically start moving back to balance so once I notice a discussion coming on I will ask for her hand. She will make a statement to the effect of “I don’t want to touch you right now.” This utterly confused me for a solid month until we realized that she has a period where she just wants to be upset and then she will get another want by asking many questions and then finally she will give me her hand so that we can start working towards the balance. This process does not seem the most efficient in my mind, but you know what, it is reality. That is her give/want structure during the discussion and for the time being I need to cater to that structure so that we can be very efficient during our discussions.
In conclusion, learn the give/want structure for different situations for that significant other, friend, etc.
Thank you for reading
|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on July 2, 2012 at 12:20 AM||comments (1)|
"You know, you just gotta toughen out through situations"
"I've learned you just gotta get back up and keep trying"
You know these sayings and other boring generalization statements that you have heard. I've heard them all my life. I’ve heard them from teachers, friends who are trying to give advice, even from my parents (who are amazing). After 18 years of hearing generalizations to help me "push through situations" or to "get better" I have deemed them highly inefficient.
A more efficient form of helping someone move throughout hard times or to learn is to teach by storytelling. Whether it’s a personal story, someone else’s story that you tell, or even an old folklore story (there once was a wise man on a mountain…;), storytelling gives me a better understanding of real life and helps me grow my relationship with the person that I am talking to.
For example, someone can say “don’t do drugs. They’re really bad for you and they’ll lead you to bad places like jail or the grave… yadda yadda yadda,” v.s. someone saying “yea, I had a friend who overdosed on cocaine and is no longer here anymore. He was just like me and you. He said he would only do it once. Then he did it again, and now he’s in the grave.” The second story speaks more volume than the first generalization.
This brings me to my second point: You cannot preach on something that you have not experienced. The greatest experience is when you have actually lived out the story yourself. Hearing a story from someone else and sharing it as a teaching experience is not as powerful as a personal story but the story has still provided you with experience.
All in all, cut down on the generalized monologues and focus on dialogued storytelling.
If anyone has any comments please don’t be shy to share your thoughts.
Once again, thank you for reading.
btw, this post came from real life experiences (like all of my other posts). I love my pops and he has a huge part in who I am today, but I have always felt a slight distance from him because he always kept stories of his life experiences to generalizations, not concrete details. We'll be at the story telling level one day. I have faith.
|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on June 26, 2012 at 7:25 AM||comments (0)|
The control bar is a boss concept that God helped me to understand. No, he (most likely neutral; he/she is a human/animal concept) didn’t come down to Earth and personally tell me but I have a feeling that he plays a huge part in everything that I do.
In every relationship between two people there is a bar that I would like to call the control bar. The balance of the control bar is in the middle and both people are on opposing sides of the bar. The perception of the control bar in the relationship differs between both people (imagine a bar with a line in the middle with you on one side and a friend of yours on the other side; this would be what the control bar would look like). The control bar works like this:
If someone believes that the balance in a relationship is thrown off, the line in the mind of the person is moved towards the other person. The person believes that the other person has tried to assume some control and in order to get the bar back towards balanced the person has to do or say something on their side of the control bar. The key to keep the control bar balanced is to do something that puts the control bar back on your side, but not farther than where the person perceived the other person to have taken the control (this would be so much easier to explain if I had a white or black board)
For example, two people could perceive that the control bar was in the middle, which is balanced. Let’s say the person on the right of the bar is person A and the person on the right is person B. Person A makes a joke that she perceives keeps the bar towards the middle, but only slightly to her side (the bar in any relationship is constantly moving back and forward and is never perfectly in the middle). Person B perceives that the bar is shifted greatly to person A's side because she was offended by the joke. Person B now yells at person A. The control bar in both of their minds now shifts to Person B's side. The way to get the bar back to the middle is for person A to do something to do something in her control that does not push the perceived control line farther on her side from the middle than when person A had gotten the control line on her side. If both people follow the process the bar returns towards balance.
A big concept about the control bar is that for each person it is about perception. In the example above Person A does not perceive the joke to put the line too much into her side while Person B completely believed that the control bar was shifted a lot to Person A's side.
Another idea to take from this is that when someone stays extremely calm in arguments it is because the person does not believe that the control bar is shifted a lot when the other person yells and what not. The converse is also true. The person who yells a lot in arguments constantly believes that other people are taking control from that person.
The control bar has many applications that go beyond this post. Please leave comments so that I will know how you feel about the post.
btw, this post was inspired from watching Vicki on the Real Housewives of Orange Country
|Posted by johnson.jonathan.m on June 25, 2012 at 9:05 PM||comments (6)|
Sooooo, Sugydudies, aka, Dana, is the love of my life, and it would take multiple posts to explain everything that she does for me but I will list off a few things that make this girl so important in my life.
I'll start with how my day went today:
First of all, I overslept my alarm this morning, but, Dana being Dana, set her alarm to go off at 7:00 a.m. to make sure that I was awake for work. Might I say that she worked over 12 hours yesterday, having to wake up at 6 yesterday and will also have to wake up at six tomorrow. Boss move
Next, she texted me at 9 to make sure that I made it to work safely (it was raining outside and I was driving my scooter). Boss move number 2.
For lunch at work I had spaghetti that she prepared for me the day before. Boss move number 3.
Once I got off of work it was raining, so what does Sugydudies do? She comes to pick me up. Boss move number 4.
Might I also add that she expects nothing in return and these are things that she does on a regular basis.
She also took me to Chipotle, my favorite restaurant, after she picked me up. Boss move to the infinite.
Like I stated, these are just things that she does on a daily basis. Many more posts about her in the future.
Thank you for reading. Please post if you have any comments